"Life here could go in any direction at any given moment"

"Life here could go in any direction at any given moment." To quote myself from my last blog post! And it did go completely off in one direction in one moment!

Almost one month-December 10th-after I wrote that post, I fell, while playing Roller Derby and suffered a serious concussion. I don't remember the fall-I was blacked out for almost 10 minutes although seeming conscious to my teammates. I was put on complete brain rest which was supposed to last 1-2 weeks but ended up lasting over 3 months! The previous summer and fall had been very stressful for me. My daughter had gotten married in September and what with wedding planning and with all of the events leading up to it , I was a mess when they returned from their honeymoon to pick up my granddaughter, Marley. I homeschool so the next order of business was to get the kids into their school work but I just couldn't seem to get them settled into the groove and I was very stressed out by trying to cope with school and organize my house. I asked for prayer in my small group and that seemed to help a lot and I began to feel more in control and capable...but looking back now, I was a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not sure if it's a result of the accident or my stress levels but I don't have much memory from September until December 10th.

Last summer I had asked for prayer from a beautiful, Godly lady from my church who is also a Christian counsellor. She had laid hands on my and told me that I needed to abide in Christ and let Him take care of the burdens I was carrying. I began working toward that and felt like I was truly abiding in Christ, but I had no idea! I had been reading my Bible more and praying and had been studying grace as well as participating in our small group study which was a study on trials, called 'When Life is Hard' by James MacDonald. I don't know why, but that study hit me like a ton of bricks-perhaps it's because I feel sometimes like my life since I became a Christian has been one long, drawn-out trial. That doesn't sound very optimistic, does it? I realize that many of the hard things in my life have been a result of my own choosing-I chose to have pre-marital sex and give birth to a baby when I was 18-that is one trial I would not forsake! I dearly love my daughter. Other trials in my life have been results of not turning to God, making costly decisions, not following the Spirit and trying to serve Him in my own strength. However I embraced the study, did most of the homework and reprocessed some issues that were 20 years old, mainly a miscarriage that occured just after I had gotten saved and married and sadly, affected many, many years of my Christian life. So God worked me through this grieving process that he started almost 1 yr ago, when I heard another Chrisitan woman talking about how her friend had lost twins and had a memorial service for them. My immediate feelings were, Whyever would she make such a big deal about such a trivial thing, but because my own miscarraige had been trivialized, that was the only way I had to deal with it. Eventually, I went on to read her blog posts about her pregancy and loss and her writing touched me in such a deep place that I had nothing to do but go back and re-grieve that loss in my life. And to learn to embrace future trials. You see, God is faithful to complete a great work in you! So that is where I was when I 'fell'.

Three days after my fall I was diagnosed with a severe concussion. I knew as soon as I was diagnosed that God was going to use this for some purpose so I prepared my heart to learn whatever he had for me to learn.When the doctor told me that I needed at least 1 week of complete "brain rest", I cried and my husband laughed. What he meant by brain rest was no T.V., no reading, no computer, (he allowed a few minutes a day) and no physical activity outside of perhaps washing dishes or folding laundry. Understand that this was 2 weeks before Christmas and I have 7 kids! I also spend many hours a day on the computer conducting our construction business, writing and editing photos. My husband knew how hard it would be for me and he actually thought of this as an answer to prayer...well, he had been living with me... It was an answer to prayer. I had been acting like a MomZilla! I was using negative emotion daily to motivate myself and my kids and it was awful! I also motivated myself with stress so our home had become so stress-filled. Strangley I had become so immune to my own attitudes that I thought it was everyone around me who was at fault! Talking about "beholding your face in a glass"! Well, that week was one of the hardest of my life. As well as having severe headaches, I was in a lot of pain physically from the fall because I also suffered a whiplash injury and fell on another girl's skates. I think I also cracked or displaced one of my ribs-it was impossible to sleep for more than a few hours without waking up and there was nothing to do. My mind races at 100 miles per hour under normal circumstances so that was my first order of business; I had to learn to quiet my brain. I spent many hours at night wrapped in a blanket and staring out the window of my office into the snowflakes. Breath in, breath out, became my mantra. I tried to focus on a scripture but my brain was in such a state that I couldn't remember or focus on anything, except one and perhaps God has his reasons for it: "Great peace have they that love thy law and nothing shall offend them." Psalm 119:165 Now I see the reason for it-I just cross referenced it and in most versions it says: "Great peace have those who love your law; nothing can make them STUMBLE." ESV or "Great peace have lovers of your law; THEY HAVE NO CAUSE FOR FALLING." Bible in Basic English Version

How awesome is that! Although I have meditated on this verse for many years, I had never known its true meaning until this moment. I struggled after my "fall" to keep another verse in my brain such as: Isaiah 26:3 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." but it would not stick and kept reverting to the other one! Now I know why! God fully intended to hold me up even though I had fallen! And not only had he held me up, he cared for me enough to show me how destructive I had been to myself and my family! How I love how he works in hindsight! Wow! While writing this I had a totally new revelation of how He cares for my in so many ways! Talk about grace!
So, where I was originally going with this before I had that little revelation, was that God was able to use my fall and brain injury to calm my mind, focus on Him and truly learn to abide in Him. It was so hard for me to allow others to do things for me and to not allow myself to feel stressed. Watching my husband cook and deal with the kids was the worst! Not that he wasn't doing a great job, but he wasn't doing it my way! I also learned to accept my rest period as a vacation. I had prayed to God so many times the previous year that I was so tired and I needed rest but I had no idea how that could be accomplished. On previous occasions my husband had been kind enough to send me to California to visit family but I always returned to the same mess, the same stress, the same way of dealing with my life. How else could God use a situation to allow me to rest and to deal with my feelings of stress within my life and on a daily basis? A perfect solution. And not only did He allow me to rest, He was there with me daily. I couldn't read and learned the hard way that my "book a week" habit was not in my best interest right now, so I began to listen to sermons and audio books. I was not a "perfect" patient-in fact, I know I prolonged my recovery by being obstinant and not fully giving in-after all my mother only turned 80 once, so I had to throw her a party, right? And my kids needed the regular Christmas celebration with all the presents, stockings and baked goods, right? Now, looking back, I would definitely forgo many of those things that seemed so important to me then, but as my husband says, "What can you tell a person who just hit their head? NOTHING!" I believe now that my concussion was also a learning experience for my family-just an example to them of how valuable I am as their wife and mother and by not continuing to do many of those things, I became just a little bit more important to them! It is now 4 months in and I'm 90% symptom free. Just writing this blog post brings on symptoms so I still have to be careful and especially work at managing my stress. I'm continuing to walk by faith and try to walk in the Spirit-it's a daily struggle but well worth it! It's exciting to see how God is going to work this all out. I've been referred to a group of physio people at Parkwood for ongoing support with my daily life and coping skills-they've already been a huge help. As for the thing that got me here: Derby-that is on hold, perhaps on a permanent basis. The doctor told me that I could have permanent brain damage if i sustained another hit to the head. That was a real heart wrencher. God knows my sorrow, but I am a new person and grateful for all that I have: A God who loves me, a family whose love and support I know I have, a brain that still functions (somewhat), a church family who prays for me and a body that still functions even though it is getting old and beat up!

This song by Toby Mac was and continues to be a real inspiration to me! Get Back Up Again!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAA0ASlh1HU&feature=related

Grace

Not Ashamed.

You are the fullness of the beauty I seek
You are, You are
You are the Healer of the broken and weak
You are, You are

Even though few may stand and proclaim
Your great name
It's the life I want to live
'Cause I'm convinced
There is none like You

CHROUS:
I'm not ashamed of the gospel
I'm not ashamed of Jesus Christ
I will stand and boldly say
"This is my life"
Whoa...

You are the Author of salvation and faith
You are, You are
You are the victory that conquered the grave
You are, You are

Even though few may stand and proclaim
Your great name
It's the life I want to live
'Cause I'm convinced
There is none like You

Jeremy Camp.

I think the reason that I have not added a spiritual element to my ‘Remains of the Daze’ blog is that I have been afraid. I have not been so much afraid to proclaim my Christianity to the world so much as I have been afraid to expose the workings of my heart to other Christians. I’m afraid of their judgement or criticism…of them thinking…she thought that or believed this? How long has she been a Christian? How is it she is still dealing with that issue? I know I should believe better of all the amazing Godly Christians I have in my life….they probably won’t even go there…but there is always that little voice in my head that wants to protect my heart.

To continue on from my previous post that explains my testimony (for anyone who is not a Christian that is reading this, your testimony is your story of how you came to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.), we attended the church that we were saved in for another 22 years. In November, 2007 the church closed under a series of circumstances that made it impossible for the church to continue in any kind of capacity as a functioning vessel of God. The Pastor was accused of immoral activities which he denied and refused to repent from. There was a trial and he went to jail. The story is not complete but I’m not at liberty to give any details.  There were also issues of control, manipulation and lying and deceit. There may be those that read this post and deduct that I write this out of bitterness or retribution but I’m just stating a fact that 22 years of my spiritual growth and life were in this atmosphere. That is not to say that God was not working in the lives of those in that church. Many good things happened there. I was married while there, gave birth to 5 children, homeschooled my children, lived, loved, laughed and wept. But by stating the facts I can move on and refer to any time in my past without shame and regret. I recently came to the place in my life where I can say that I’m thankful for everything that has happened in my life to bring me to this place. This place of grace.  In the last year, God has been teaching me about Grace. The dictionary definition of grace is:

Grace (noun)

1.      Elegance-elegance, beauty, and smoothness of form or movement

2.      Politeness- dignified, polite, and decent behaviour

3.      Generosity of spirit- a capacity to tolerate, accommodate, or forgive people

4.      Prayer at mealtimes- a short prayer of thanks to God said before, or sometimes after, a meal

5.      Same as grace period- in finance

6.      Pleasing quality- a pleasing and admirable quality or characteristic

7.      Gift of God to humankind- in Christianity, the infinite love, mercy, favour, and goodwill shown to humankind by God

8.      Freedom from sin- in Christianity, the condition of being free of sin, e.g. through repentance to God

9.      Same as grace note- music

U2 defines Grace with a song.

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a wrapper on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hers
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stains

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

Bono

The Bible definition of grace is: unmerited favour.

Wickipedia defines grace as: Christian theology, grace is an attribute of God — a spontaneous, unmerited gift of divine favour for his children—a favor most manifest in the salvation of sinners. It is understood by Christians to be the "free gift" of an uncaused and overflowing love and mercy—'totally undeserved' by humanity.^[1] Christian orthodoxy has taught that the initiative in the relationship of grace between God and an individual is always on the side of God. Once God has reached out in this “first grace,” however, each person has the option to accept it or reject it, and a responsibility for the continuance of the relationship.


I love how grace is an attribute of God.


And that it is an initiative on the side of God.




All of this to say that this place in my life that God has brought me too…this journey…I would like to call Graceland. It is a place that I have come to dwell in and I plan to sojourn here for a while. Drop in and visit from time to time and see what God is doing with the place….

In the Beginning...

I have another blog. It's called 'Remains of the Daze' and when I started it I wasn't sure where it was going to go. There are many facets to my life; I'm a homeschooling mother of seven who also helps her husband run his contracting business. Life here could go in any direction at any given moment. So it ended up being a posting of my musings and writings, many of them reminisces of my past. It takes me a bit of time to post on that blog as I always want it to be perfectly polished and have accompanying photos so it is sadly lacking in number of posts. I still wanted a blog that sums up my daily life and focuses more on the spiritual aspect. In the past year I've really begun to understand more (as if we could ever really understand) fully the function of God's grace in my life. If I can be a blessing or lend insight to one person in their spiritual walk then I've exceeded my goal. I'm a Born Again Christian and this is my story.

It was almost Easter of 1988. My live in boyfriend, Builder, was raised Catholic. Since I had been raised in the United Church, I had been bringing our 2 girls, Gwen and Mandy, to a United Church Sunday School. I'm not sure what it is, about turning to spiritual things after having children. You can live like the devil, yourself, but you want your kids to know God!  Anyway, I had been asking Builder to go to church with me on Easter morning but he hadn't answered me yet.

     A few weeks earlier, a friend of his had called and asked to visit. He was one of the many young people from Ontario, along with my boyfriend, who had migrated out west after high school. Although Ken (not his real name) had not finished grade nine he had an entrepreneurial spirit. After leaving high school, he and a friend had bought farm equipment and had done custom harvesting. He was able to buy several farms before he was twenty. Out West he started a trucking business which had done really well until his partner left the business unexpectedly. They decided to return to Ontario. He was older than I, but had grown up a few miles from me and I had gone to school with his wife, so I knew who they were. I thought the visit was just intended as a catch up. Our home was often a drop in center for our stoner friends who stopped by regularly to smoke up or who showed up drunk in the middle of the night to crash.  However, Ken had a different reason to drop by. When he arrived, after making small talk, he began to talk about God and being saved and how it had made such an impact on his life. Builder was interested, but I left the room. I had heard it all before.

     The first time I heard the gospel was in high school when a Christian band named Free Fare performed at an afternoon assembly. They were funny and used volunteers from the audience to impersonate characters from Star Wars. It was 1977. The show was well attended because it meant an afternoon out of class. It also included a gospel message and a free poster.

     During high school, I took a job at a local restaurant as a waitress. It was next door to the Pentecostal Church. You have to understand the spiritual climate in the small farming community in which I was raised; if you attended the Pentecostal Church, you were just plain weird. As my fellow waitress and friend, Marg stated: the locals were all God-fearing Presbyterians. Not completely accurate. Hometown was a town that boasted three, huge, century-old churches on one corner, not three miles from where I was raised; United, Presbyterian and Anglican. There was a Catholic Church and school on the other side of town and another small white building that said “Church of Christ” on a small sign in front, but no-one knew anyone that actually went there or what they believed. The Pentecostals were a recent development in the community. There was an incident of a local vandal running down the middle of Main Street, naked, with his head shaved, at 5 am, who had supposedly been converted and that pretty much scared off anyone from going there, so we God fearing _______, steered clear! The Pentecostals invaded the restaurant where I worked every Sunday evening. What was wrong with them that they had to attend church two times on Sunday? Couldn't they get right with God in one hour on Sunday morning? In lieu of a tip, they left me tracts. Little pieces of paper that warned me of hell fire and the end of the world!

     My next experience with a Born Again Christian was in another small town where I worked for a short time at a roadhouse, pumping gas, waitressing and making pizzas, all in the same shift. It’s a good thing the health inspector didn't eat there! I met Donny then; a young man who was infatuated with me and romanced me until I agreed to date him. He turned out to be a Born Again Christian. He took me to church and introduced me to Bob Dylan’s album, Slow Train Coming, which was written after Dylan had a religious conversion and before he converted to Buddhism. I have a distinct memory of going to a Gospel meeting with another couple in a rickety car. The man drove by pressing on the gas and letting off so the whole trip seemed to be spent lurching forward and alternately thrown backwards. Strange! Needless to say I was not in a receptive mood when we got there! On another occasion I was taken to Donny’s Pastor’s home; sat down on the couch and given the gospel, straight up! I can remember saying that I was not yet ready to give up my drinking and drugs. I knew that there would be some change in my life by getting saved; either by choice or supernatural intervention. The only thing I accomplished in that relationship was to cause Donny to backslide which is a good reason for a Christian not to date an unsaved person. Donny bought me a car to drive around and paid for me to attend some creative writing classes at Fanshawe. It was a green Impala. A huge car with room for about a dozen of my closest friends! I used it mostly to party when I should have been in school. The relationship ended on a dreary spring day after a drinking spree; he and his friend climbed high power line towers while I watched, sitting on the roof of the car on the side of the road. Those two could never spend time together without getting into some kind of trouble. I drove off and left them there!

     The next time I met a Christian was at a local factory where I worked in 1984 during my first marriage. They seemed to lie in wait for me! She gave me the gospel message as we sewed shoes in an assembly line. I brought my white Bible with a zipper and mustard seed in a little plastic ball that was given to me by my Grandmother and poitnted my finger at a passage were it said she should not judge-whew-that was a close call! She nearly had me! I left the factory to attend  college where I began a three year course in Fashion Design. I left to calls of, “You’ll be back”, but I swore I would not work there again. During the time I worked there I left my first husband and an abusive marriage, to be with Builder. I was the subject of the gossip mill for many months after that!

Arriving at college was scary-I had been out of high school for 5 years. I had to do this. Going to college had been my goal for many years. Still, everyone there was several years younger than me. I was able to pick out the one Christian in the room on the first day! I was thankful that she never witnessed to me, but later we became friends. I was also able to pick out the wildest girl in the group-a lanky, German girl from up north named Laura. I made friends with her first. My brother had worked in a northern town, so I felt a kinship with those from the North. You could live in White River and have buddies in towns scattered from Winnipeg to Wawa. Laura and I took off to Florida for spring break with my car, a case of cassettes, a cooler of food, a tent and $500 American. My poor mother was distressed-she was convinced that we were going to be raped or stabbed! I left Builder at home where he began construction on our first home! It was really not very considerate of me. We had no real plans as to where we were going. At the Georgia state line, we ran into a gas station to change into shorts. While there, Lana inquired as to why we were seeing so many bikes on the highway. The man informed us that it was Bike Week in Daytona Beach and that was it-we were off! It was incredible! There were over 100,000 bikers in the small resort town. Sitting at a stop light, listening to the sound of rumbling Harleys was amazing! I visited 15 years later and it was just not the same. Floyd’s Spidey Shack: a house turned into bar, where you could drive your bike up on the porch, was gone. As was the Iron Horse Saloon, Hootin’ Nanny’s-the Bar with half a Chevy over the door and many other highlights! We lasted about 2 minutes at the Iron Horse and were ushered to the door. Apparently it wasn’t a nice place for girls like us-it was actually kind of scary! We found a camp ground where I had to talk my way into getting a site. They didn't want college girls. It was apparently too much hassle with them getting into trouble with the Bikers. I had to explain that we were actually not really college girls (even though we sure looked like them and were attending college!) but had hung around with bikers our whole life. Not actually 100% true, but I did know some guys who were belonged to a club and my brother and his buddies all had bikes. So we got our site and spent the week lying on the beach, drinking, doing cocaine and watching the constant stream of bikes and cars cruising up and down.  Daytona is one of the few places where you can still drive on the beach. Our nights were spent at bars open til 3:30 am-a new concept for Canadians back then. We had a blast. I could out drink those guys because Canadian beer has way more alcohol than American. I saw things that I will never forget and a few things I wish I could forget. As it turned out, thankfully, God followed me there. I was sitting in a bar at 2 am when a seriously overweight biker named Spike came up and introduced himself. We talked for a while, and then he gave me a card with an invitation to a breakfast meeting of Christian Bikers. I was shocked and scared! God had followed me all the way to Florida! And I was worried about going to a hotel room where a bunch of Christian bikers were meeting? That was crazy-I had been partying with bikers all week! Needless to say, that made quite an impression on me and I went home seriously thinking about things. I felt for the first time that God actually cared about me and perhaps it was Him seeking me, not all these weird people that seemed to be chasing me. And knowing that God had probably protected me in a few situations there, which we had stupidly gotten ourselves into!

     Oh, yes, and there was the tattoo. After a day of smoking up and drinking on the beach, Lana talked me into going. It was in a shop in the front of a guy’s house. I remember sitting and watching his console TV, then suddenly realized that it had been converted into a fish tank and I was watching a bunch of fish-not National Geographic! The guy, Floyd, had a beard and long hair braided into a pony tail. I just picked something off the wall of samples. Lana was there to have the banana tattoo on her ankle turned into a bird. My new tattoo made for interesting conversation on the beach!

     I returned home broke, alive and relatively unscathed to help Dolph finish our house. I don’t think I had scored any points with my future in-laws! Shortly thereafter, I attended the funeral of my great Aunt Blanche, who was my grandmother’s sister and a Born Again Christian. All my aunts and uncles were there, but it was I that heard the message preached by Pastor Brubaker: “Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. No man, cometh unto the Father, but by Me.”

     It was a turning point in my life. I knew I had to speak to the Pastor about the message and if things had turned out differently, I might have gotten saved that day. As it happened, I did not get to speak to him. It was pouring rain and I decided to skip the internment. How many times do we as Christians not know for sure the effect we have on someone, but the seed is sown and their heart is changed forever? Somehow, though, a year later when John came to our door, I was not receptive. All I could think of were all the faces that had tried to convince me that God loved me and how I wanted to run! When John finally left that night, I told Dolph not to let him back in the house. Thankfully, he did not listen to me and invited him in a couple of weeks later, when I was at an evening class. That night, when I returned home there was one of those tracts sitting on the coffee table all by itself. The next day, Dolph moved into the spare room. I remember going to school the next morning and telling my classmates, “I think my boyfriend is a Born Again Christian! There were cries of sympathy all around! Imagine my surprise when he announced that he was going to church with John. He didn’t want to attend the United Church with me, but he was going to this church that John had invited him to! He had not told me yet that he was saved. He was too afraid of what I would do! So I went to church with him mainly out of curiosity. What an experience!

    We walked into the back door of the Baptist church that John attended and down a few steps into the basement. We were greeted by a sight I could never have imagined. John and his brother Albert were on a platform in front of over 100 screaming children. They were leading a song called, Father Abraham, which involved, alternately waving your legs, arms, then head, back and forth as you screamed out the lyrics to the song! It was incredible. I’d never seen a Sunday School like that in my entire life. In a few minutes, the children were more subdued and intently listening, but it continued at a fast pace for almost an hour. I was hooked. I don’t think I even went upstairs that first week! After church, John introduced us to his family and invited us to his home for dinner the following Thursday, which was the evening before Good Friday. I knew what was going to happen, but I decided to go, because it meant that I didn't have to cook. I also wanted to see what these people were like at home. I remembered their wedding because John had a race car at that time and when I drove by the church the afternoon they were married, John had his race car on a trailer behind the car they were leaving the church in. Nice. I guess Mary was getting more than a husband! When we walked into their house that Good Friday, I was immediately overwhelmed by a sense of peace. It wasn’t fancy. John had made a lot of money out west, but somehow, through his partners, had lost everything except his expensive suits and shoes and I can remember Mary saying later that they felt so out of place at our downtown church because of their clothes. They had three kids then; Jennifer, Justin and Sarah, the baby. But it was calm and quiet. Jennifer, all of eight years old, helped with the meal. After dinner, we went into the living room while Mary cleaned up. I can’t tell you what we ate, I can just remember feeling like the room was almost in an altered state and I kept thinking about that peace. You see, I was a child of the Cold War and I don’t know why that made such an impact on me, but when I've talked to other adults my age, about living under the threat of nuclear war, reading about the Berlin wall dividing families or of desperate people being gunned down on barbed wire covered fields trying to escape, it didn't seem to affect them as much as it did me. My biggest fears were of dying in a nuclear war and not being able to completely protect my girls from kidnapping or abuse. John rattled on and on, reciting Bible verses and explaining the Gospel in an attempt to get me saved. I’m sure Dolph was praying desperately as well. But suddenly I just knew that I had to have that peace and I knew how to get it! I said, “I’ll pray.”

   John and Dolph were startled. “What? You can’t pray now! I haven’t finished explaining it yet!” Was John’s response and he laughed. If you know John, he has the most infectious laugh.

I said, “I’ll pray.”

And so we did pray and I was saved. It was March 31, 1988.

     There was no immediate life changing revelation, but I did feel a sense of peace. I was saved. There was a Hell, but I knew where I was going. That’s what the Bible means when it says the Spirit bears witness. If your faith was measured in stocks, they just went through the roof! It wasn't until a week or two later, when I was in service at the church we were attending and we were singing the closing hymn “Just as I Am” that I realized what Jesus had done for me and I broke down and wept.

 That was 22 years ago and it has been an incredible journey. This is what it is like, living in Graceland...